Boy by Roald Dahl

The latest book presented to the panel of experts at Booksfc was Boy by Roald Dahl; and it was controversial.

 

Was it going to be one of those books that are good for throwing at their co-panel of judges? Or was it going to be a book that is actually good for reading? There was a frenzied, violent and bloodthirsty discussion over whether to review the book. The following points were raised:

1. I don't want to read it because it was written a long time ago. (Striker)
2. 1984 is not that long ago. (Mad Scientist)
3. I wasn't born yet in 1984 so it is a long time ago. (Striker)
4. Apparently it's an autobiography so I do want to read it because its going to about cars, hopefully fast and furious ones. (Party Rocker)
5. Actually an autobiography is when you write your own life story. And Roald Dahl was a writer, not a racing driver. (Mad Scientist)
6. Then I'm outta here. (Party Rocker)
7. And the title is Boy. So it must be about his life as a boy. (Mad Scientist)

Long pause. Deep thought occurs.

8. Well, in that case, it might be alright...(Party Rocker)
(Striker nods)
(Flower Power frowns and wonders whether to become a feminist)

Party Rocker: I just want to point out that Mad Scientist was wrong. This book does include cars. In fact it includes a car crash! Even better, Roald Dahl is injured and has to get sewn back together. Rock on!
Striker: Even better, Roald Dahl gets paid for it.
Party Rocker: Even better, it's in a vintage car.
Striker: Even better, he didn't die.
Party Rocker: Yeah, it was the best bit of the book.
Mad Scientist: Actually the best bit was the sequel Going Solo. But I was quite interested in the family holidays in Norway, and the incident when a man smoked goat's poo.
Party Rocker: That can be arranged.
Mad Scientist: Actually I liked this book so much I've decided to write an autobiography too. I thought I'd call it Homo Sapiens Sapiens (wise, wise man). I think that describes me well.
Party Rocker: Or maybe Apeman? That also describes you well.
Mad Scientist: Even better, Great man. That also describes me well.
Party Rocker: We're off the point.
Flower Power: Was there a point?

So, even though no one bothers to vote, Boy, by Roald Dahl, is a foot down, full throttle success amongst the male experts, and Flower Power is writing her own autobiography, Girl.

Pedro the Ugliest Dog in the World by Papa G

Everyone on this book review panel has their own special interest. And, true to life, these interests sometimes change. Recently Mad Scientist has been getting interested in drama. So he temporarily wants to be known as Mad Shakespeare. Party Rocker has been getting interested in the contents of the fridge. So he temporarily wants to be known as Party Food. Striker has been getting interested in cars, particularly smart, fast and expensive ones. So he temporarily wants to be known as Stig. And Flower Power has been getting interested in Roald Dahl so she temporarily wants to be known as Mathilda.
But don't worry, they still review books (badly).
The latest book to seize the imagination of the panel was Pedro, The Ugliest Dog in the World. They stumbled across the ebook online, saw it was well reviewed and decided to give it a go. They were not disappointed. By the end of the first chapter they were crying with sadness. By the end of the second they were crying with laughter. That's not a bad start for a book that costs 77p. Even Shakespeare himself couldn't have done better.

 

Pedro the Ugliest Dog in the World - 'Shakespeare himself couldn't have done better.'

Mad Shakespeare: That's blasphemy. Shakespeare was a genius. Papa G can't even spell his last name. There's no comparison. Three stars.
Party Food: What upset me was that the poor people of Santa Maria only ever got to eat freshly roasted locusts. Also three stars.
Stig: Pedro was ugly, but nice, and he trusted in other people, people who should have loved him, and then they let him down and then I felt let down, and then I felt really sad, and then I wanted to cry and then I wanted to make Pedro my pet dog and look after him and make everything better. But I couldn't. I could only cry. In fact, I'm getting upset now, just thinking about it...No other book has made me feel so sad. Five stars.
Mathilda: Waaa! Waaaa! Waaaa!
Party Food: Here, have a freshly roasted locust.
Mathilda: hphfm....
Mad Shakespeare: Is this a freshly roasted locust I see before me?
Party Food: And you.
Mad Shakespeare: hphfm....
Stig: (clearing his throat)...
Party Food: And you.
Stig: hphfm....
Party Food: Job done.
So Pedro the Ugliest Dog scores a sorrowful 4 stars and Party Food is going to be dog food, when the rest of the panel get their hands on him.

The Donut Diaries: Escape from Camp Fatso by Anthony McGowan

The experts at booksfc can disagree about anything: they disagree over who should have the last Haribo  and they disagree over their understanding of the world. Mad Scientist thinks the world is a small rocky planet within our solar system. Party Rocker thinks the world is his fan base. Striker thinks the world is something to do with the football tournament that takes place every four years. And Flower Power thinks the world is a type of ice lolly.
But there is one thing the experts agree on: donuts! There's so much you can do with a donut. You can eat it, lick it, gobble it, chew it, suck it, nibble it, stuff it all in at once, or devour it in one gulp. But whatever you do, it will be the best thing you have eaten that day.
So when they saw a book with a picture of a hundreds and thousands sprinkled, icy donut, they had to try to eat it. And when that didn't work as well as they'd hoped, they read it instead.

 

Mad Scientist: I have to be honest, my problem...
Party Rocker: (interrupting)...problems
Mad Scientist:...with this book...
Party Rocker:(interrupting)...with my life...
Mad Scientist:... is that it was a bit too simple...
Party Rocker:(interrupting)...is that no-one understands me...
Mad Scientist:... and there was just too little mind-bending, thought-provoking philosophical investigation and theoretical experimentation.
Party Rocker:(interrupting)...and there was just too much silly stuff.
Mad Scientist: But if I had to choose a favourite character, it would be Mr Fricker, the PE teacher with robotic hands. I liked that idea so much I made a pair. They're going to be really good when I figure out how to screw them on. 
Party Rocker: Well, my favourite character was Dong, who never said anything but 'Hello old chap, delighted to make your acquaintance'. He had real depth. As well as girth, and stamina and strength and waist size. I like to think of him as a role model.
Striker:Well, I give it 5 stars. I loved it because I love donuts. They are on my list of best foods, as well as sausages, pizza, hot dogs, burgers and tinned sardines. I also loved it because Donut had to try to escape (something I have to do a lot) and I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next.  Finally I loved it because I love football, and it started off with a game of football, and then came up with other really fun sounding games, like Peruvian shoe throwing. I'm gonna play that with Party Rocker in a minute. I've already prepared by filling a suitcase with Dad's size enormous boots and Mum's fatal party shoes.
Flower Power: (tottering over wearing high heels and dragging an open suitcase) Are we playing dressing up?
Striker (looking at her feet): No, we're not. We're playing duck
Flower Power: Ok. What do we do?
Striker (picking up a shoe)  Well I do this... (throws shoe) ... and you...
Flower Power: Owww! I'm telling on you. Mum!!!
Striker: (escaping) Time for a quick getaway.
So, Donut Diaires: Escape from Camp Fatso scores a sickeningly sweet 5 stars while Mad Scientist swears the voting is inaccurate and orders an enquiry, preferably a philosophical one.

The Secret Football Club by Tom Palmer

Every now and again you find something really special. To others, what you have found appears really ordinary. But to you, your special find is so wonderful it steals your heart.

Mad Scientist: Like the time I did an experiment and grew some mould that looked disgusting, smelt disgusting and was disgusting.
Party Rocker: Do you mean the cheese between your toes?
Striker: Like the time I found a pound coin on the playground.
Party Rocker: But that was mine! Give it back.
Flower Power: Like the time I found shiny coin on Striker's desk and used it to go to the shops.
Striker: But that was mine! Give it back.
Flower Power: I didn't know you liked pink nail polish.





Sometimes the special find is a book. You discover it, you love it, you miss it when you finish it. It's as if your best friend has just moved to Mars. This hasn't actually happened to anyone yet, but it will, one day... And its how some of the experts at booksfc felt when they finished reading The Secret Football Club.




Mad Scientist: Actually, I didn't read it. There were various reasons for this. One it was about football. Two it was an easy reader. And three the text was large and the story was short. Also, I am a genius, and a scientist, and an intellectual and a crusading eco-warrior, and a brain box, so I don't read light entertainment/easy reader type short stories. I give it n stars. N is a variable. Please substitute n for the amount of stars you think is appropriate when you read it.

Party Rocker: I also give it n stars. N is not a variable. N is a rude word that we are not allowed to use on this blog.

Striker: I don't want to give it any stars. I want to give it a medal because I think it broke the world record for being the best book ever. I loved the fact it was about boys and girls at school who just want to play football. That's all I want to do, too. I loved the fact that the teacher seemed horrible at first, but then I began to understand why he was being horrible. In the end I didn't think he was horrible anymore, and that was really interesting to change my mind about a character in a book. Finally, what I liked the most was the fact their club was secret. I was so worried about them getting caught, and getting into trouble (something I know all about) that I just had to know what would happen next. If books were footballers, then this book would be Messi; the best ever!

Flower Power: I loved it too! I loved the main character, Lily, who was one of the best footballers. I loved it so much that I'm going to change my name from Flower Power to Footie Power, and become a striker too! Since nobody else gave it any stars, I won't either. I give it five fat football stickers instead.

So, The Secret Football Club hasn't received any stars but instead a random collection of football stickers, variables, n words, medals and a world record. Not bad going for a pocket money puffin!

Skellig by David Almond

Welcome back to books fc!

The experts have discovered a new hobby! As well as reviewing books, they now also enjoy debating.

Debating is when two people have the opposite opinion and both tell the other person they are wrong. Most recently, the experts have been debating environmental issues. Mad Scientist thinks the only light switch that should be turned on is the one in his room. This will save electricity, he argues, and eventually the world too. Striker has the opposite opinion. He thinks lights should be on in every room, just in case he wants to go into one of those rooms. This will also save the world, he argues, from being a dark place. Often the debate ends with a vote. This is when two people decide they were right all along. When the experts vote, Mad Scientist runs around telling everyone the world is about to end, Striker runs around turning all the lights on, and Party Rocker runs around turning every speaker onto full volume. Then no-one is happy, except the pet marsupial mole rat, who happens to be unable to see or hear.

In between debates, the experts also managed to find time to review Skellig by David Almond. This book was previously reviewed by another so called expert as 'profound' and 'visionary'. To their credit, the experts at books fc were determined not to let that put them off, and decided to read it anyway.

Mad Scientist: On the positive side: a book with a brain! Fiction with a dash of non fiction. Skellig is both fantastical and realistic. It touches on evolution, and explains pneumatisation. On the negative side: not scientific enough. I wanted Skellig dissected. And why were there no diagrams? So, overall 3.33 stars

Party Rocker: I've told you before. I don't review books with fairies on the front.

Striker: Well, I liked it. It had some really long words (see above), and some really big ideas (also see above), and at the end of the first chapter I thought it was going to be a bit freaky. But it wasn't. It was just good. I really liked the bits where Micheal went out and played football with his friends, like me, and the bits about his poorly baby sister, who had to go to hospital. There was nothing about fairies. Skellig just wasn't a fairy. So there! 4 stars.

Party Rocker: He had wings. He was a fairy. End of.

Striker: He wasn't. He was a cross between an angel and a tramp.

Flower Power: Oh, I've seen that movie. That's the one where they fall in love and have lots of puppies at the end.

Party Rocker: I've told you before, this is supposed to be a book review blog!

Flower Power: Oh, I've read the book too. It was called... (scratches her head)... I know! Lady and the Tramp. And I loved it! 5 stars.

Striker: Me too. I liked Lady and the Tramp. Particularly the tramp. Also 5 stars.

Mad Scientist: (to Party Rocker): Do you want to tell them or shall I?

Party Rocker: I'll tell 'em. (turning to Striker and Flower Power) I don't review books with fairies on the front or books made by Disney. So there. End of.

So, Skellig, by David Almond, comes out with 3 profound stars, plus 1 sneaky star thanks to Lady and the Tramp.

The Mum Shop by Ceci Jenkinson

Welcome to Books FC where a panel of experts review some of the best children's books. The panel, in case you've forgotten, is:
Mad Scientist: Expert in everything
Party Rocker: Expert in being rude
Striker: Expert in football and being a hooligan
Flower Power: Expert in training

The experts have been writing their Christmas wish lists. See if you can guess who wrote which wish:
1. Einstein's brain
2. A wand that actually works
3. A ban on all polite words
4. England winning the next football World Cup

Poor old Mum's going to have a hard time going shopping for that lot. But don't worry. The experts have a plan B. If they don't get what they want for Christmas, they're going to take their Mum back to the Mum Shop and swap her for a new one. Now where did they get an idea like that from?

The next book to face the panel of experts is The Mum Shop by Ceci Jenkinson. Oli, our hero, is not pleased with his Mum. She doesn't order enough pizza and she won't let him watch Real Blood Bath Murders. So, Oli takes her to the Mum Shop and swaps her for a new mum, Sid. All starts well. Sid also loves pizza and orders one straight away. Unfortunately neither Sid, nor Oli, have any money to pay for the pizza and that's only the start of their problems...

 

Mad Scientist: Not another scientist bad guy! The villain in this book, Gertrude Swithin, used to be a science teacher. It's a conspiracy!

Party Rocker: And no rude words in the entire book either. Definitely a conspiracy.

Mad Scientist: Let's form a secret society to fight the conspiracy. The revolution statement of our society will be:
1. All heroes and heroines must be scientists.
2. All villains must be TV presenters or pop stars.

Party Rocker: What!? You're on your own bud.

Striker: Well, I just want to give this book 5 stars.

Party Rocker: Actually me too. It was sick! It gets 5 stars just 'cause one of the mums turned up in a tank.

Striker: And it gets 5 stars for the matcher machine, which I wanted to play with, and 5 stars for the revolution statement, which I wanted to rip up. I also really liked it because I really liked Oli; he was funny, and silly, and brave and cool and reminded me of me!

Flower Power (starting to cry): I don't want to swap Mum...

So, The Mum Shop scored 5 stars from those so called experts who actually bothered to vote. It seems anyone can be an expert these days...

The Windvale Sprites by Mackenzie Crook

It's not often the panel of experts review books that are classics, or even 'instant classics'. Actually, it's not often the panel of experts review books. (Sorry!) They are too busy squabbling. But The Windvale Sprites by Mackenzie Crook is special. So special, the panel of experts have decided to hold a ceasefire just so they can review the book properly.

The story starts when the very ordinary Asa Brown discovers something very extraordinary floating in his duckpond. Something with olive brown skin, dark wispy hair, pointed ears and two long antennae. Asa has no idea what the creature might be but he wants to know, and very soon he has discovered his first clue.

Mad Scientist: Why do scientists always get a bad press? Why is Asa the hero? Why not Benjamin Tooth the alchemist? Just once, I'd like to read a book where a scientist doesn't make a mistake and cause a plague, or breed a herd of man eating dinosaurs, or blow the world up. Just once, I'd like the scientist to be the hero and save the day. Just the other day, for example, I was on a beach and spotted a venomous snake. But because I was a scientist, I was able to identify the snake and alert everyone. Just think, if I hadn't been there...

Party Rocker: ...everybody might have been able to surf and sunbathe in peace, instead of being asked to evacuate the beach.

Mad Scientist: It was an emergency. I was saving their lives.

Party Rocker: And this is a book review, and you are off the point.

Mad Scientist: Alright then, I give this book 4 stars. The plot was exciting and well planned, the characters were convincing, the descriptions apt and deft, and the ending a real shock. In fact it deserves 5 stars. In fact, let's decide that Asa grew up and become a scientist. Now the book has a positive message and is fighting against stereotypes. So I'm going to give it 10 stars.

Party Rocker: Sorry, I've just remembered it had a fairy on the front cover and I refuse to review any book with a fairy on the front.

Striker: It's a sprite, not a fairy.

Party Rocker: Whatever.

Striker: Well, I didn't like the look of the cover either. I thought it was a fairy at first and I thought it looked like it had lots of long words inside and no pictures. So I was planning on striking the book out of the hand of anyone who tried to read it to me, or give it to me. But then, when I heard the story, I changed my mind. This is my favourite book ever (since the last one that was my favourite). I loved everything about it and I want to give it a sky full of stars because it was so brilliant.

Flower Power: Well I want to give it 5 stars because...

Striker: You can't. I've used up all the stars. There aren't any left.

Flower Power: That's not fair. I'm telling. Mummmmmm!

So The Windvale Sprites scores a cosmic multitude of stars and the ceasefire is officially over.