Gangsta Granny by David Walliams

The experts at booksfc delight in extreme sports. Some of their favourite sports include headbutting trees, swinging on dead ivy, pulling each others' trousers down and crash landing. Occasionally the experts at booksfc go to visit their Granny. Her favourite sports include tea drinking, walking using a stick, and sitting down. So far she has only managed to get Mad Scientist to join her in these sports, and that's because he trying to cure her. The others stay well clear.
This all means that the idea of a book about someone else's Granny sounded as exciting as knitting an extra fluffy woolly jumper and giving it to Granny as a Christmas present in revenge.
Despite this, they agreed to read and review the book. This had nothing to do with the word 'Gangsta'. This had everything to do with the words' David' and 'Walliams'. These two magic words will make the experts read anything. The title could have been Molecular Epidemiology, and the experts would still have wanted to read it, as long as David Walliams' name was on the front cover.
So, when they stopped running around and actually settled down to read Gangsta Granny, what did they think of it?

Mad Scientist: I was particularly interested in Granny's mobility scooter that managed a top speed of 6 miles an hour when she put her foot down. It inspired me to invent a range of spy gear for any other would be gangsta grannies out there. I plan to sell knitting needles that can pick locks, hearing aids that are really sophisticted listening bugs and tea pots with hidden 3G spy cameras. I think the market for these items will be huge.
Party Rocker: Yeah, hugely non existent.
Mad Scientist: Why you little punk... I'll....I'll...
Party Rocker: ...you'll what? Are you going to use your knitting needles on me? Or even worse, your tea pot? My knees are shaking.
Striker: Well I thought Gangsta Granny was great. First I felt sorry for Ben because he had to stay at his Granny's house every Friday. Then I felt sorry for his Granny because Ben said she was boring. Then the story became really interesting when Ben discovered his Granny had a secret, and I had to know everything about her secret. I want to give it 5 stars.
Flower Power: Me too. 5 stars. I loved Ben's costume. And his Granny. And their adventures together. And apples. And pizza. And dressing up. And parties. And lemonade (even though there wasn't any in the book). And pink. And purple. Shall I go on?
Striker/Party Rocker and Mad Scientist in unison: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Gangsta Granny scores an arthritic 5 stars, and Flower Power gets sat on. What a result!

The Boy in the Dress by David Walliams

The experts at booksfc have a couple of rules. You need rules. They stop war, disaster and crumbs in the wrong places. But the experts don't like too many rules. So they have whittled them down to just these four fundamental rules.

Rule 1: All people have the right to release wind from their bottom in the place and at the time of their choosing.

Rule 2: Sharing is for girls.

Rule 3: Dresses are for girls.

Rule 4: Sharing dresses is for girls.

So, the next book up for review presented a bit of a problem for the experts. These were their reactions when they first heard the title: The Boy in the Dress.

 

Mad Scientist: It must be a mistake. It's supposed to be The Boy in the Desert and it's about a boy going on holiday when his plane crash lands in the desert.
Party Rocker: Or it could be The Boy in the Dresser and be about a boy who hides in a dresser, you know, one of those posh cupboards.
Striker: Or it could be The Boy and the Dress and be about a boy who rips up and ruins a dress.
Flower Power: Or it could be about a boy who wears a dress.

Mixed gasp of horror from co-panel.

Party Rocker shakes his head.

Striker looks confused.

Mad Scientist starts pacing up and down, frowning.

Striker picks up a copy of the book and sees a picture of a boy, wearing trousers, and playing football.
Striker: Actually it looks...
Party Rocker: (grabbing it from his hand)...sort of...
Mad Scientist: (grabbing it from Party Rocker's hand)...OK.
Flower Power: Oh.

And these were the reactions of the experts when they had finished reading the book.

Mad Scientist: What a sensitive, thoughtful, and amusing exploration of why some males wear dresses. It almost made it poetic, and brave, to wear a dress. I almost decided to wear one. I didn't because even my mum doesn't wear dresses, so there weren't any around. 5 stars.
Party Rocker: The dress was a sub plot. The real story are the discounts on offer in Raj's Shop. I couldn't wait to find out what the next special offer would be. Also 5 stars.
Striker: At first I was really sad because Dennis' Mum had left. I wanted to know why she had left. I wanted to know where she was. I wanted to know if she was coming back. I didn't think the book was funny. It just made me feel upset. But then Raj the shop owner made me smile, and then Dennis met Lisa, and it became funny, and daring and I loved it. I want to give it 5 stars. I think David Walliams is the best. I want to read all his books. But I don't want to wear a dress. That would just make me feel weird.
Flower Power: Can we go shopping?

So The Boy in the Dress is a sparkly, sequinned, shimmmering and dazzling 5 stars. What a result for David Walliams! What a result for Dennis and his dress! 

Boy by Roald Dahl

The latest book presented to the panel of experts at Booksfc was Boy by Roald Dahl; and it was controversial.

 

Was it going to be one of those books that are good for throwing at their co-panel of judges? Or was it going to be a book that is actually good for reading? There was a frenzied, violent and bloodthirsty discussion over whether to review the book. The following points were raised:

1. I don't want to read it because it was written a long time ago. (Striker)
2. 1984 is not that long ago. (Mad Scientist)
3. I wasn't born yet in 1984 so it is a long time ago. (Striker)
4. Apparently it's an autobiography so I do want to read it because its going to about cars, hopefully fast and furious ones. (Party Rocker)
5. Actually an autobiography is when you write your own life story. And Roald Dahl was a writer, not a racing driver. (Mad Scientist)
6. Then I'm outta here. (Party Rocker)
7. And the title is Boy. So it must be about his life as a boy. (Mad Scientist)

Long pause. Deep thought occurs.

8. Well, in that case, it might be alright...(Party Rocker)
(Striker nods)
(Flower Power frowns and wonders whether to become a feminist)

Party Rocker: I just want to point out that Mad Scientist was wrong. This book does include cars. In fact it includes a car crash! Even better, Roald Dahl is injured and has to get sewn back together. Rock on!
Striker: Even better, Roald Dahl gets paid for it.
Party Rocker: Even better, it's in a vintage car.
Striker: Even better, he didn't die.
Party Rocker: Yeah, it was the best bit of the book.
Mad Scientist: Actually the best bit was the sequel Going Solo. But I was quite interested in the family holidays in Norway, and the incident when a man smoked goat's poo.
Party Rocker: That can be arranged.
Mad Scientist: Actually I liked this book so much I've decided to write an autobiography too. I thought I'd call it Homo Sapiens Sapiens (wise, wise man). I think that describes me well.
Party Rocker: Or maybe Apeman? That also describes you well.
Mad Scientist: Even better, Great man. That also describes me well.
Party Rocker: We're off the point.
Flower Power: Was there a point?

So, even though no one bothers to vote, Boy, by Roald Dahl, is a foot down, full throttle success amongst the male experts, and Flower Power is writing her own autobiography, Girl.

Pedro the Ugliest Dog in the World by Papa G

Everyone on this book review panel has their own special interest. And, true to life, these interests sometimes change. Recently Mad Scientist has been getting interested in drama. So he temporarily wants to be known as Mad Shakespeare. Party Rocker has been getting interested in the contents of the fridge. So he temporarily wants to be known as Party Food. Striker has been getting interested in cars, particularly smart, fast and expensive ones. So he temporarily wants to be known as Stig. And Flower Power has been getting interested in Roald Dahl so she temporarily wants to be known as Mathilda.
But don't worry, they still review books (badly).
The latest book to seize the imagination of the panel was Pedro, The Ugliest Dog in the World. They stumbled across the ebook online, saw it was well reviewed and decided to give it a go. They were not disappointed. By the end of the first chapter they were crying with sadness. By the end of the second they were crying with laughter. That's not a bad start for a book that costs 77p. Even Shakespeare himself couldn't have done better.

 

Pedro the Ugliest Dog in the World - 'Shakespeare himself couldn't have done better.'

Mad Shakespeare: That's blasphemy. Shakespeare was a genius. Papa G can't even spell his last name. There's no comparison. Three stars.
Party Food: What upset me was that the poor people of Santa Maria only ever got to eat freshly roasted locusts. Also three stars.
Stig: Pedro was ugly, but nice, and he trusted in other people, people who should have loved him, and then they let him down and then I felt let down, and then I felt really sad, and then I wanted to cry and then I wanted to make Pedro my pet dog and look after him and make everything better. But I couldn't. I could only cry. In fact, I'm getting upset now, just thinking about it...No other book has made me feel so sad. Five stars.
Mathilda: Waaa! Waaaa! Waaaa!
Party Food: Here, have a freshly roasted locust.
Mathilda: hphfm....
Mad Shakespeare: Is this a freshly roasted locust I see before me?
Party Food: And you.
Mad Shakespeare: hphfm....
Stig: (clearing his throat)...
Party Food: And you.
Stig: hphfm....
Party Food: Job done.
So Pedro the Ugliest Dog scores a sorrowful 4 stars and Party Food is going to be dog food, when the rest of the panel get their hands on him.

The Donut Diaries: Escape from Camp Fatso by Anthony McGowan

The experts at booksfc can disagree about anything: they disagree over who should have the last Haribo  and they disagree over their understanding of the world. Mad Scientist thinks the world is a small rocky planet within our solar system. Party Rocker thinks the world is his fan base. Striker thinks the world is something to do with the football tournament that takes place every four years. And Flower Power thinks the world is a type of ice lolly.
But there is one thing the experts agree on: donuts! There's so much you can do with a donut. You can eat it, lick it, gobble it, chew it, suck it, nibble it, stuff it all in at once, or devour it in one gulp. But whatever you do, it will be the best thing you have eaten that day.
So when they saw a book with a picture of a hundreds and thousands sprinkled, icy donut, they had to try to eat it. And when that didn't work as well as they'd hoped, they read it instead.

 

Mad Scientist: I have to be honest, my problem...
Party Rocker: (interrupting)...problems
Mad Scientist:...with this book...
Party Rocker:(interrupting)...with my life...
Mad Scientist:... is that it was a bit too simple...
Party Rocker:(interrupting)...is that no-one understands me...
Mad Scientist:... and there was just too little mind-bending, thought-provoking philosophical investigation and theoretical experimentation.
Party Rocker:(interrupting)...and there was just too much silly stuff.
Mad Scientist: But if I had to choose a favourite character, it would be Mr Fricker, the PE teacher with robotic hands. I liked that idea so much I made a pair. They're going to be really good when I figure out how to screw them on. 
Party Rocker: Well, my favourite character was Dong, who never said anything but 'Hello old chap, delighted to make your acquaintance'. He had real depth. As well as girth, and stamina and strength and waist size. I like to think of him as a role model.
Striker:Well, I give it 5 stars. I loved it because I love donuts. They are on my list of best foods, as well as sausages, pizza, hot dogs, burgers and tinned sardines. I also loved it because Donut had to try to escape (something I have to do a lot) and I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next.  Finally I loved it because I love football, and it started off with a game of football, and then came up with other really fun sounding games, like Peruvian shoe throwing. I'm gonna play that with Party Rocker in a minute. I've already prepared by filling a suitcase with Dad's size enormous boots and Mum's fatal party shoes.
Flower Power: (tottering over wearing high heels and dragging an open suitcase) Are we playing dressing up?
Striker (looking at her feet): No, we're not. We're playing duck
Flower Power: Ok. What do we do?
Striker (picking up a shoe)  Well I do this... (throws shoe) ... and you...
Flower Power: Owww! I'm telling on you. Mum!!!
Striker: (escaping) Time for a quick getaway.
So, Donut Diaires: Escape from Camp Fatso scores a sickeningly sweet 5 stars while Mad Scientist swears the voting is inaccurate and orders an enquiry, preferably a philosophical one.

The Secret Football Club by Tom Palmer

Every now and again you find something really special. To others, what you have found appears really ordinary. But to you, your special find is so wonderful it steals your heart.

Mad Scientist: Like the time I did an experiment and grew some mould that looked disgusting, smelt disgusting and was disgusting.
Party Rocker: Do you mean the cheese between your toes?
Striker: Like the time I found a pound coin on the playground.
Party Rocker: But that was mine! Give it back.
Flower Power: Like the time I found shiny coin on Striker's desk and used it to go to the shops.
Striker: But that was mine! Give it back.
Flower Power: I didn't know you liked pink nail polish.





Sometimes the special find is a book. You discover it, you love it, you miss it when you finish it. It's as if your best friend has just moved to Mars. This hasn't actually happened to anyone yet, but it will, one day... And its how some of the experts at booksfc felt when they finished reading The Secret Football Club.




Mad Scientist: Actually, I didn't read it. There were various reasons for this. One it was about football. Two it was an easy reader. And three the text was large and the story was short. Also, I am a genius, and a scientist, and an intellectual and a crusading eco-warrior, and a brain box, so I don't read light entertainment/easy reader type short stories. I give it n stars. N is a variable. Please substitute n for the amount of stars you think is appropriate when you read it.

Party Rocker: I also give it n stars. N is not a variable. N is a rude word that we are not allowed to use on this blog.

Striker: I don't want to give it any stars. I want to give it a medal because I think it broke the world record for being the best book ever. I loved the fact it was about boys and girls at school who just want to play football. That's all I want to do, too. I loved the fact that the teacher seemed horrible at first, but then I began to understand why he was being horrible. In the end I didn't think he was horrible anymore, and that was really interesting to change my mind about a character in a book. Finally, what I liked the most was the fact their club was secret. I was so worried about them getting caught, and getting into trouble (something I know all about) that I just had to know what would happen next. If books were footballers, then this book would be Messi; the best ever!

Flower Power: I loved it too! I loved the main character, Lily, who was one of the best footballers. I loved it so much that I'm going to change my name from Flower Power to Footie Power, and become a striker too! Since nobody else gave it any stars, I won't either. I give it five fat football stickers instead.

So, The Secret Football Club hasn't received any stars but instead a random collection of football stickers, variables, n words, medals and a world record. Not bad going for a pocket money puffin!

Skellig by David Almond

Welcome back to books fc!

The experts have discovered a new hobby! As well as reviewing books, they now also enjoy debating.

Debating is when two people have the opposite opinion and both tell the other person they are wrong. Most recently, the experts have been debating environmental issues. Mad Scientist thinks the only light switch that should be turned on is the one in his room. This will save electricity, he argues, and eventually the world too. Striker has the opposite opinion. He thinks lights should be on in every room, just in case he wants to go into one of those rooms. This will also save the world, he argues, from being a dark place. Often the debate ends with a vote. This is when two people decide they were right all along. When the experts vote, Mad Scientist runs around telling everyone the world is about to end, Striker runs around turning all the lights on, and Party Rocker runs around turning every speaker onto full volume. Then no-one is happy, except the pet marsupial mole rat, who happens to be unable to see or hear.

In between debates, the experts also managed to find time to review Skellig by David Almond. This book was previously reviewed by another so called expert as 'profound' and 'visionary'. To their credit, the experts at books fc were determined not to let that put them off, and decided to read it anyway.

Mad Scientist: On the positive side: a book with a brain! Fiction with a dash of non fiction. Skellig is both fantastical and realistic. It touches on evolution, and explains pneumatisation. On the negative side: not scientific enough. I wanted Skellig dissected. And why were there no diagrams? So, overall 3.33 stars

Party Rocker: I've told you before. I don't review books with fairies on the front.

Striker: Well, I liked it. It had some really long words (see above), and some really big ideas (also see above), and at the end of the first chapter I thought it was going to be a bit freaky. But it wasn't. It was just good. I really liked the bits where Micheal went out and played football with his friends, like me, and the bits about his poorly baby sister, who had to go to hospital. There was nothing about fairies. Skellig just wasn't a fairy. So there! 4 stars.

Party Rocker: He had wings. He was a fairy. End of.

Striker: He wasn't. He was a cross between an angel and a tramp.

Flower Power: Oh, I've seen that movie. That's the one where they fall in love and have lots of puppies at the end.

Party Rocker: I've told you before, this is supposed to be a book review blog!

Flower Power: Oh, I've read the book too. It was called... (scratches her head)... I know! Lady and the Tramp. And I loved it! 5 stars.

Striker: Me too. I liked Lady and the Tramp. Particularly the tramp. Also 5 stars.

Mad Scientist: (to Party Rocker): Do you want to tell them or shall I?

Party Rocker: I'll tell 'em. (turning to Striker and Flower Power) I don't review books with fairies on the front or books made by Disney. So there. End of.

So, Skellig, by David Almond, comes out with 3 profound stars, plus 1 sneaky star thanks to Lady and the Tramp.

The Mum Shop by Ceci Jenkinson

Welcome to Books FC where a panel of experts review some of the best children's books. The panel, in case you've forgotten, is:
Mad Scientist: Expert in everything
Party Rocker: Expert in being rude
Striker: Expert in football and being a hooligan
Flower Power: Expert in training

The experts have been writing their Christmas wish lists. See if you can guess who wrote which wish:
1. Einstein's brain
2. A wand that actually works
3. A ban on all polite words
4. England winning the next football World Cup

Poor old Mum's going to have a hard time going shopping for that lot. But don't worry. The experts have a plan B. If they don't get what they want for Christmas, they're going to take their Mum back to the Mum Shop and swap her for a new one. Now where did they get an idea like that from?

The next book to face the panel of experts is The Mum Shop by Ceci Jenkinson. Oli, our hero, is not pleased with his Mum. She doesn't order enough pizza and she won't let him watch Real Blood Bath Murders. So, Oli takes her to the Mum Shop and swaps her for a new mum, Sid. All starts well. Sid also loves pizza and orders one straight away. Unfortunately neither Sid, nor Oli, have any money to pay for the pizza and that's only the start of their problems...

 

Mad Scientist: Not another scientist bad guy! The villain in this book, Gertrude Swithin, used to be a science teacher. It's a conspiracy!

Party Rocker: And no rude words in the entire book either. Definitely a conspiracy.

Mad Scientist: Let's form a secret society to fight the conspiracy. The revolution statement of our society will be:
1. All heroes and heroines must be scientists.
2. All villains must be TV presenters or pop stars.

Party Rocker: What!? You're on your own bud.

Striker: Well, I just want to give this book 5 stars.

Party Rocker: Actually me too. It was sick! It gets 5 stars just 'cause one of the mums turned up in a tank.

Striker: And it gets 5 stars for the matcher machine, which I wanted to play with, and 5 stars for the revolution statement, which I wanted to rip up. I also really liked it because I really liked Oli; he was funny, and silly, and brave and cool and reminded me of me!

Flower Power (starting to cry): I don't want to swap Mum...

So, The Mum Shop scored 5 stars from those so called experts who actually bothered to vote. It seems anyone can be an expert these days...

The Windvale Sprites by Mackenzie Crook

It's not often the panel of experts review books that are classics, or even 'instant classics'. Actually, it's not often the panel of experts review books. (Sorry!) They are too busy squabbling. But The Windvale Sprites by Mackenzie Crook is special. So special, the panel of experts have decided to hold a ceasefire just so they can review the book properly.

The story starts when the very ordinary Asa Brown discovers something very extraordinary floating in his duckpond. Something with olive brown skin, dark wispy hair, pointed ears and two long antennae. Asa has no idea what the creature might be but he wants to know, and very soon he has discovered his first clue.

Mad Scientist: Why do scientists always get a bad press? Why is Asa the hero? Why not Benjamin Tooth the alchemist? Just once, I'd like to read a book where a scientist doesn't make a mistake and cause a plague, or breed a herd of man eating dinosaurs, or blow the world up. Just once, I'd like the scientist to be the hero and save the day. Just the other day, for example, I was on a beach and spotted a venomous snake. But because I was a scientist, I was able to identify the snake and alert everyone. Just think, if I hadn't been there...

Party Rocker: ...everybody might have been able to surf and sunbathe in peace, instead of being asked to evacuate the beach.

Mad Scientist: It was an emergency. I was saving their lives.

Party Rocker: And this is a book review, and you are off the point.

Mad Scientist: Alright then, I give this book 4 stars. The plot was exciting and well planned, the characters were convincing, the descriptions apt and deft, and the ending a real shock. In fact it deserves 5 stars. In fact, let's decide that Asa grew up and become a scientist. Now the book has a positive message and is fighting against stereotypes. So I'm going to give it 10 stars.

Party Rocker: Sorry, I've just remembered it had a fairy on the front cover and I refuse to review any book with a fairy on the front.

Striker: It's a sprite, not a fairy.

Party Rocker: Whatever.

Striker: Well, I didn't like the look of the cover either. I thought it was a fairy at first and I thought it looked like it had lots of long words inside and no pictures. So I was planning on striking the book out of the hand of anyone who tried to read it to me, or give it to me. But then, when I heard the story, I changed my mind. This is my favourite book ever (since the last one that was my favourite). I loved everything about it and I want to give it a sky full of stars because it was so brilliant.

Flower Power: Well I want to give it 5 stars because...

Striker: You can't. I've used up all the stars. There aren't any left.

Flower Power: That's not fair. I'm telling. Mummmmmm!

So The Windvale Sprites scores a cosmic multitude of stars and the ceasefire is officially over.

Billy Bonkers - It Wasn't Me! by Giles Andreae

 Books FC is different.

At BFC books are reviewed by a panel of so called experts. The panel of experts, in case you've forgotten, includes:
Mad Scientist - specialises in books for the 12 plus age range
His brain is like the universe, expanding at an ever faster rate. He likes facts and information, the gorier the better. He dislikes his co-panel.
Party Rocker - specialises in books for the 10 plus age range
Also known as Big Bang, not because he is in any way scientific, just because he's noisy. Also sometimes known as NikNak; no one knows why. Also known to be extremely annoying, particularly to his co-panel.
Striker - specialises in books for the 7 plus age range
He loves sport, football, competitions and winning. He dislikes losing. Also carries a public health warning: do not stand too close. This is because every now and again (normally when he has just lost) he hits whoever is closest (normally Party Rocker).
Flower Power - specialises in books for the 5 plus age range
She loves anything liquid, solid, sticky, sparkly, fluffy, gloopy, messy, shiny, slimy or sweet. She dislikes reviewing books (too bad).

Billy Bonkers

The latest book to dare face the panel is Billy Bonkers - It Wasn't Me! by Giles Andreae. Billy Bonkers is a typical comic reading, computer gaming, action snacking boy hero. The interesting twist in this tale is that the Secret Prankster wreaking havoc around town is not Billy Bonkers. So who is the Secret Prankster? Billy Bonkers is determined to find out.

Mad Scientist: Billy Bonkers? Billy Boring more like. This book was not worthy of my mega-watt, super charged brain power. I give it 2 stars, cause a few years ago I, um, probably would have liked it.

Party Rocker: I liked it, (which is more than I can say about Mad Scientist.) I liked it so much I even took notes, (cold porridge bomb traps!) I liked it so much I have changed my name. (You can now call me Secret Prankster.) 5 Stars! Best of all, it was an easy read, allowing my mega-watt super charged brain some time off.

Striker: Well, I liked it too. I give it 4 stars. I liked the fact that Billy became a sort of secret detective. I liked the bit where Billy went on a roller coaster. I liked the bit about custard pies. (Yum!) I liked it so much I would have actually bothered to read it, except I didn't have to because I got my slave to do that for me. Her name is Mum.

Party Rocker: Actually she's my slave.

Striker: Actually she's only pretending to be your slave. She really only belongs to me.

Party Rocker: Interesting idea. Completely wrong, but interesting. But I can't stay to chat. I've got some porridge to cook.

Striker: I love porridge. (Yum!)

Party Rocker: Don't worry, I'm making it for you.

Flower Power: Can I say something?

Striker: No.

So, Billy Bonkers scores a yummy 4 stars and Flower Power has a little sulk because she didn't get to vote and she wants some porridge too.

Mr Gum in 'The Hound of Lamonic Bibber' by Andy Stanton

The experts at Booksfc have been very, incredibly, unbelievably, jaw droppingly, mind bogglingly busy... watching TV. It takes a lot of effort, dedication and hard work watching the Olympics, 12 hours a day, for 2 weeks solid. But the good news is all that effort has been rewarded. The batteries in the remote control have finally gone flat. That must deserve a medal. One of those shiny gold ones, I think.

It needed to be a very special book to make the experts at Booksfc forget about the Olympics. Not many books were brave enough to take the challenge. But I managed to find a contender. Mr Gum in 'The Hound of Lamonic Bibber' was brave enough and definitely crazy enough.

The Mr Gum books, for those of you who have been visiting Mars, follow the adventures of Mr Gum, a vile villain, who lives in the slightly picturesque, and very bonkers town of Lamonic Bibber. In Mr Gum in 'The Hound of Lamonic Bibber', a ferocious hound is terrorising the good folk of Lamonic Bibber, and it's up to Polly, the heroine, and the only sane voice in the whole book, to find out the truth about the mysterious hound.

Mad Scientist: 5 stars! There was a real plot in this book, with a real mystery, and real clues. What I particularly liked was that the ridiculously funny jokes served as camouflage for the clues. Clever! Like me!

Party Rocker: Also 5 stars! What I particularly liked was the extra story about how Mr Gum and Billy William the third became friends, and the very best bit was when they were talking to Ned Needles, the travelling pillow salesman, and his horse, Handsome, and Billy William 'was pulling Handsome's tail to see if it would make him lay an egg or do a fart or something'. Rude! Like me!

Mad Scientist: 5x5 stars! If there was a Olympic medal for funniness, Andy Stanton would win it. He's hilarious. Mr Gum in 'The Hound of Lamonic Bibber' is hilarious. All the Mr Gum books are hilarious. I should know. I've read them all, reread them all, reviewed them all, and rewired them too. Clever, eh? Bet you didn't even know it was possible to rewire a book. Hey! (jumping round to face Party Rocker) What are you doing?

Party Rocker: (pulling Mad Scientists trousers down) Trying to see if I can make you lay an egg or do a fart or something.

Mad Scientist: (chasing after Party Rocker) Why you little borkler...

Party Rocker: (running away) Did you know you look like a lemon meringue?

Striker: I liked it too. But I'm only going to give it 4 stars because I was a bit worried the hound was going to eat Polly, or Friday, or me. Hey! (jumping round to face Party Rocker) What are you doing?

Party Rocker: (pulling striker's trousers down) Trying to see if I can make you look very silly.

Striker: (chasing after Party Rocker and brandishing his fists) Now I'm going to have to hit you.

Flower Power: Why doesn't anyone ever ask me what I think?

Mad Scientist: Alright then, we will. What did you think of 'The Hound of Lamonic Bibber?

Flower Power: I loved it. 5 stars.

Mad Scientist: Did you actually read it?

Flower Power: No.

Time to end this book review while the experts still have a scrap of dignity left. Mr Gum in the Hound of Lamonic Bibber scores a face smashing, whiskers shabbering, Jonathon Ripples Rippling 5 stars. Way to go, Gum!

Genie in Training by Ciaran Murtagh

Every now and again a book comes along which reminds you strongly of another book! That's OK. It's called borrowing ideas. Everyone does it. The experts at Booksfc do it all the time. Especially during spelling tests.
This time the book that happened to come along was Genie in Training by Ciaran Murtagh. It's about a boy who meets a genie, the boy accidentally wishes to become a genie, and then is whisked off to Genie School to become a genie.

 

Mad Scientist: First of all I want to give this book 3 stars. Just like Harry Potter, Jamie is sent to a magical school where he has two firm friends, and one determined enemy. Just like Harry Potter, there is a benign, wise and powerful headmaster. Just like Harry Potter, Jamie learns to fly, but using a flying carpet not a broomstick. And just like Harry Potter, there are a variety of lessons, and a magic mirror. There was one big difference. Harry Potter is the best series of books I have ever read. This book is good, but not in the same league as Harry Potter. Secondly, and more importantly, I have been falsely accused. I have never cheated in a spelling test in my life! I don't need to. I have a photographic memory. I only need to look at something once to remember it forever.
Party Rocker: Then you'd better not go near a mirror or you'll have nightmares for the rest of your life!
Mad Scientist: (beginning to get annoyed) Again, I have been falsely accused. I have conducted a scientific experiment to check whether I am good looking or not, and the results came back...affirmative. Everyone surveyed said they liked my appearance.
Party Rocker: Aaaahh!
Striker: What's wrong?
Party Rocker: Mad Scientist just looked at me.
Mad Scientist (beginning to get seriously annoyed): I'll do more that just look at you, you little...
Party Rocker (running away): Aaaahh!
Striker: Well I thought it was really good. I really liked the bowl of never ending ice cream. I really liked all the genies who where nice to Jamie and I really didn't like the nasty genie, Dabir, who I wanted to strike. At first I was a little worried when Jamie got stuck in the Genie's World, Lampville-upon-Cloud, but then I stopped being worried and just enjoyed the story. I give it 5 stars.
Party Rocker (running past again): 4 stars.
Flower Power: Are we playing chase? Can I play?
Mad Scientist (still chasing Party Rocker): No. We're doing a book review.
Flower Power (now chasing Mad Scientist): I'm not stupid. I know you're lying.
Mad Scientist (slowing down): Aaaahh! Falsely accused again!
Flower Power (catching Mad Scientist) Got you!

So, Genie in Training scores a magical 4 stars. It might have scored more, if it had been better, and it might have scored less, if it had been worse. Can't say fairer than that, can you?

Someone (somewhere in the distance): Aaaahh!

The Trophy Trap by Emma Laybourn

The panel of experts are revolting! They want to know why adults have all the money and children have none. And why is school free, when chocolate costs money? There's something very wrong going on with the world. Maybe even a conspiracy. So, in protest at the unfairness of life, the panel of experts have decided to review a free book, The Trophy Trap by Emma Laybourn. If only all books were free...

  

 https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/178968

Mad Scientist: Unlike some of the other rubbish I have been forced to review, that was totally unsuitable for someone of my intellectual ability, I actually enjoyed this ebook. I give it 3 stars. In particular I liked:

-that it was an actual story

-that it had realistic characters

-that it was short( J K Rowling is allowed to write novels of 500 pages plus, no one else is)

-that it gave me good ideas for experiments, such as pouring plaster of paris into football boots (ha ha striker)

Striker: (striking Mad Scientist) Or pouring plaster of paris into your test tubes.

Party Rocker: Or pouring plaster of paris onto your testi...

Mad Scientist: (interrupting) Why you little...

(Party Rocker runs off, chased by Mad Scientist.)

Striker: At first I liked it because it had a trophy on the front cover. I like trophies. Then I liked it because it was about a brother and sister who were always arguing and fighting. I like arguing and fighting. Then I liked it because there was a little bit about football. I love football. And finally I liked it because there was a bit of a surprise at the end. I like surprises. So I give it 3 stars. But not because Mad Scientist did. I would never do that.

Party Rocker: (running past)...or pouring plaster of paris into your sandwiches...

Mad Scientist: (also running past)...or putting your annoying sibling into a box... whoops, wrong book, wrong book review! Never mind, I'm gonna give it a go anyway.

Flower Power: When are we going to review Sleeping Beauty?

Striker: Never.

Flower Power: Then I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when my prince gets here.

So, Trophy Trap scores a respectable 3 stars! It might have scored even more if Party Rocker had managed to stop insulting the other experts and actually vote.

Party Rocker:(running past)  4 Stars. Party on!!!
So, Trophy Trap scores a champion 3 1/2 stars. It might have scored even more if Flower Power had managed to actually vote.
Flower Power: Snore.

Billionaire Boy by David Walliams

It's time for the panel of experts to do something useful (for once in their lives). The latest contestant in this tense competition where books are pitted against other books, and experts against other experts, is the hilarious Billionaire Boy by David Walliams. Joe Spud, the hero, is overweight and over rich. He has everything money can buy, except a friend. He decides to quit his posh expensive school and try his luck making friends at the local comprehensive school, where he pretends to be a 'normal' boy.

 

Mad Scientist: I give it 3 stars because it was good right up to the point when I stopped reading it. Then it stopped being good because I had stopped reading it.
Party Rocker: And it started being hilariously good, because I was reading it and I'm better than you.
Mad Scientist: That is the most ridiculous thing you have ever said. I bet you can't think of one thing you're better at than me!
Party Rocker: I'm better at annoying you.
Mad Scientist: That is the most sensible thing you have ever said.
Party Rocker: And swearing. You lingpoopy, dangly spangly, ploomfizzy huppletrut.
Mad Scientist: If you say another word...
Party Rocket: Puttock knunter, humbimer, and poob!
Mad Scientist: (running after Party Rocker) Why you little... 
Party Rocker: (running away from Mad Scientist) Blunkering smunghead...
Striker: Those are all swear words that David Walliams teaches us in Billionaire Boy. He kindly makes a list of all the swear words he knows so he can share them. I liked that. I also liked the list of ridiculously posh subjects Joe studied at his ridiculously posh school, the list of all the things Joe and his Dad did with £50 notes, and the list of names teachers should never have, such as Mya Bumreeks. But even better than all the lists, I liked imagining what it would be like to have a billion pounds and to have my very own football club.
So I give it 5 stars.
Flower Power: Me too! 5 stars.
Striker: You can't just give it 5 stars because I did. You need a reason.
Flower Power: I have a reason.
Striker: What reason?
Flower Power: I give it 5 stars because I like stars. Especially shiny, sparkly ones.
Party Rocker: (from the distance) Me too. 5 twuttering stars! This book was pumpuming hool!

This review is an all round success story. Billionaire Boy scores a smunty 5 stars. Mad Scientist keeps fit. So does Party Rocker. Flower Power learns some new words and Striker gets some ideas for his Christmas wish list. Everyone's happy!

Superburger by S. Alini

The panel of experts at BooksFC are getting restless! It could be because it never, ever stops raining, it could be because they're getting hungry, or it could be because they're just desperate for another book to review! So I think it's time to throw a juicy book to the panel, and this time it's Superburger, a rather tasty ebook by San Alini.

 

Superburger follows the slings and arrows of the outrageous fortunes of Isaac, who wants to eat the Superburger, his friend Tommy, who also wants to eat the Superburger, Isaac's sister, who wants to be President, and the Superburger, which tastes out of this world!

Mad Scientist:
A real book to review at last! With humour, convincing characters, and a sudden plot twist. Pinch me someone, I think I'm dreaming.
Party Rocker:
Sure.
Mad Scientist:
Oww! What did you do that for?
Party Rocker:
You said pinch me.
Mad Scientist:
Yeah, pinch, not punch me in the arm.
Party Rocker:
Sure.
Mad Scientist:
Oww! What did you do that for?
Party Rocker (edging away):
You said punch me in the arm.
Mad Scientist (chasing after him):
Why you little...
Striker:
I thought this book was yummy. It was so good I wanted to read it every night until we finished it. It was so good I also wanted to eat it. It was so good I even tried to eat it. That didn't work. It just made Mad Scientist's kindle slimy, and that just made Mad Scientist mad. I give it 5 stars.
Party Rocker (running past, chased by Mad Scientist):
I thought it was...
Flower Power:
Are going to McDonalds?
Party Rocker (still running past, still chased by Mad Scientist):
...a fun story with a dark edge and even a hidden moral...
Flower Power:
Are we nearly there yet?
Striker:
No. Because we're not going anywhere.
Flower Power:
Oh!
Party Rocker (still running past, still chased by Mad Scientist):
...also five stars...

So Superburger by San Alini scores a finger licking 5 stars!